Trying a New Path

(originally posted April 25th 2012)
I began a personal challenge this month and it is proving to be the most difficult thing I have ever attempted. Let me provide a little background: For the last few years I have been working full time, finishing my dissertation, starting a counseling/coaching/speaking ministry, and writing my soon to be best -selling book (tongue in cheek.) I have been doing, or should I say attempting, all of this while trying to be a wife and mother and find my place within the ministry of my church. I have failed miserably on most accounts.
As I looked at myself and my life, I discovered something important. I was desperately unhappy. The necessity t work gave me less time to devote to my ministry, dissertation and writing, the things that feed my soul and energize me. The demands of maintaining a home, marriage and children seemed impossible to fulfill in a manner that satisfied those in my life and accomplished the goal of making them feel like a priority, rather than an interruption to my schedule. How do I balance meeting the needs of others with meeting my own needs?
Everything came to a head one afternoon after many attempts to work on a writing project and my dissertation, I had cleaned house to not only my satisfaction, but to the stringent standards of my more discriminating husband, I thought I had covered everything and would finally address my own list of "to-dos." It was at that moment, when I sat down at the computer, that my husband asked if I would "like," to help with the yard work. I voiced my honest opinion. "No." I would not like to help with the yard work. I would rather not leave my just warmed up seat to work in the yard. I had things I wanted to do, things that I had put off for many days. My poor husband innocently voiced that he always did the yard work and he would like me to help; "But," he said, "I want you to want to help." Well that wasn't going to happen. How could I make myself want to help? When would it ever be my turn to do what I wanted? When would my dreams be fulfilled and my needs be satisfied? I begrudgingly closed the laptop, resentment oozing from every pore. I plastered a fake smile on and went outside where I spent the rest of the day pulling weeds, until all of my inspiration for writing had boiled over and dried up and it was time to start making dinner, I cried self-pitying tears that night, bemoaning the fact that there is never anytime to achieve my goals, my dreams, my hopes. I had no control over my time--over my life.
I decided that night that was no room for me in my life. I would just have to put what I wanted aside, even if I felt it was God's plan for me to be in ministry,. What I actually did was trip and fall into servant-hood with a big chip on my shoulder. It started off as a cynical surrender of myself. (Think of Cinderella with an attitude.) I woke up the next day and immediately started laundry and the dishwasher while I got myself and my children ready for school/work. I defrosted dinner while I packed lunches and washed the dishes before my husband could have a chance to. When I came home from work, when I wanted to sit and stare at the wall, I picked up other's belongings, folded laundry and cleaned toilets. When the house was clean, I drove to the hardware store and purchased a refill for the "weed wacker," and wacked my heart out in our backyard. "I'll show them," I thought, with all of the drama of Katherine Hepburn. "I'll only do for others." "I'll demonstrate what I believe is true; I just don't matter." I cleaned out my teenager's closet, made my elementary age son's bed and restrung my junior higher's guitar (ok so I didn't go that far.) But I did everything that I could think of that would prove to whomever was watching, (as if someone was) that I was going to be a selfless martyr. I didn't just do these and other duties, I did them instantly. If I was in the middle of a project, television show, or book, I instantly stopped what I was doing to do for another. If I just finished one chore and was asked to do something else, I jumped up with as much energy and joy as I could muster and tackled the next request. I also made a conscious decision to not ask anyone to do for me what I could do for myself. (more on this exhausting experience next time.)
A funny thing happened somewhere around week two. My heart changed. Instead of an "I'll show them," attitude, I developed a "How can I show them," attitude. How can I show my husband that he us loved? Acts of service. How can I show my boys they are loved? Notes on the mirrors and homemade chocolate chip cookies (husband likes those too.) Week three cane and went and the oddest thing happened, My anger subsided. I had deep conversations with my sons and my husband asked me on a date. Well as least as close as you come after 19 years, three kids and two dogs. Coffee at Peet's and a nice talk.
I have decided that when I have exhausted every possibility to serve those in my life and I have prayed to see those opportunities that I don't naturally see, and performed those tasks, I will pull out that laptop and write and dream. For this season in my life I need to learn the sacred steps of servant-hood. I'll keep you posted on how my journey continues; but what I have discovered as of now is this: When I lay my plans, hopes and dreams down at the foot of the cross and search, really search for opportunities to serve my family, I am being more Christ-like than I ever was when I tried to "do" ministry.
Please post your thoughts directly to the blog and let's talk.
Posted by Arms Wide Open Ministry at 7:39 PM
7 comments:

Suzanne Larson, EFCA Pastor's WifeApril 21, 2011 at 9:56 PM
Keep Pressing In, Bobbi... Keep Pressing In!

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mundayfamily3April 21, 2011 at 10:02 PM
Wow, I have to tell you I have been going through pretty much the same feelings since January...I don't matter and am just a work horse! So I thought...last month I realized that doing all the day to day things that served my family and my job was exactly what made me special and complete. I have also found that seeing me do these things with a servants heart and putting my needs aside did not go unnoticed. My husband starting going out of his way to help me and I did not have to ask. Now that's a gift from God. I really appreciate your sharing because it does make me feel not alone and I find it a confirmation that I am on the right path. It is even harder when your children are grown because you really have to work at being a part of their day to day life and although it takes time I may want to spend on me it is well worth it and in the end what I want....and that is to make my family happy. When I gave away the resentment God replaced it with contentment...does that make sense?

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kimmiebApril 21, 2011 at 10:18 PM
Wow!! I have often asked myself how you do it all, cuz I just feel that there are times I have failed miserably! Being a single mom, working, helping friends or family, or Scouts with different things, has left me feeling unappreciated and depressed. It's time to give it up to Jesus, and listen to His word. I know that He wants me to serve others. I know this deep in my heart, what I need to learn is do so with a willing heart and not a poor little me attitude. When I let go of my feelings of resentment and begin to serve with a servant's heart, I know that my attitude will change. I love you sooo much and I am so very proud of you!

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ReneeApril 21, 2011 at 10:47 PM
Thank you Ya Ya from your Ya Ya Petite (Renee)it is what I to am going through and I have not even gone back to work yet from my surgery. I feel like I am being pulled in all these different directions and there is not enough of me to go around. I tend to let it get to me and stress out that there is not enough time, but I know if I do everything allowing God to guide me then he will give me the time I need to get what HE wants me to get done not what I feel needs to get done. I luv u and miss u!

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Linda StrawnApril 25, 2011 at 12:48 PM
Bobbi, Your words resonated big time with me. Lately, I've been feeling the effects not with how much time I spend on "me", but on the time spent on other things outside the family. Although these other things are worthwhile, they caused my plate to "overfloweth" due to the fact that I had a hard time saying "no". I reached a boiling point last month that forced me to take a long, hard look at how I've been budgeting my time. I sought the Lord and He directed me to painfully resign from some of the activities I've been involved in. I've discovered not only a tremendous sense of relief, but that life can go on quite well without my help and input. It's far better to do a few things well, than to do many things halfheartedly and with resentment.
~Linda

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9860a8bc-7031-11e0-b52c-000bcdca4d7aApril 26, 2011 at 11:18 AM
Well said and lived, my friend. May God continue to teach us such humility and servanthood, even when we're kicking and screaming at first. =)

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BobbiApril 26, 2011 at 9:40 PM
Terrye, so glad that you posted. Yes it DOES make sense. Just when we think we have matured in our relationship with the Lord, we realize (at least I do) how far I need to go. Christ was the ultimate example of servanthood and calls us to be like Him as completely as possible. For me this means serving my family despite my desires to accomplish anything else. Just when I think I am doing it, I realize there is more to do. The truth is we are called to be even more than a servant. We are called to be a SLAVE. Whew! Don't think I am very good at that. One thing that rang true for me this week was realizing that in any relationship I am called to give 100% of me. It's not about giving 50% and waiitng to get %50 back from the other. I have to give 100% at all times. All we can do is keep trying to do our best for Christ, one day at a time.